Holiday Greetings to Everyone

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is
So difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without
Offending someone. So I met with my lawyer (Ms C Pie) yesterday, and on her
Advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes
For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
Nonaddictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter/summer solstice
Holiday, practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious
Persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the
Religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their
Choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and
Medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
Accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the
Calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society
Have helped make our country great (not to imply that it is necessarily
Greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed,
Colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of
The wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
Transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no
Promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
Her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is
Revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted
To perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for
A period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday
Greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement
Of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the
Wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message;
However, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.