Adam Slavick-Lennard keeps his wife awake at night by talking in his sleep. His wife was more amused than annoyed because what he says is rather funny. She has recorded what he says and there is a blog.
The top 10 sayings are:
10: I don't want to die! I love sex. And furry animals
9: Butter... nut... squash. I like those words
8: You're pretty. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty [long pause]... Now f*** off and be pretty somewhere else. I'm bored
7: Don't leave the duck there. It's totally irresponsible. Put it on the swing, it'll have much more fun.
6: Ooh! My balls are itchy. Have you got the cheese grater?
5: I've got a badger, a dog, a cat and a sack
4: I can't believe in God when I'm THIS good!
3: Avocados? You can shove them up your a*** as well
2: Since when did my underwear look good on you? Take it off. Take it off your face
1: Pork chops are most satisfying. Mmmmmm. Dangle them from the ceiling
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Friday, January 15, 2010
Sunday, July 05, 2009
bits and pieces
Fairly normal Sunday, spent the morning around Dad's and after dinner I went to Rye Meads.
At Draper Hide there were 7 Green Sandpipers. One looked significantly bigger than the rest and I tried to make it a Greenshank but it wasn't, a chap tried to make another a Wood Sandpiper (it was a juvenile Green Sandpiper).
Good news is that a pair of Kingfishers were seen breeding yesterday and are said to be showing well, not to me they weren't.
Some pics
and for Turquis this is a "McIntyre"
At Draper Hide there were 7 Green Sandpipers. One looked significantly bigger than the rest and I tried to make it a Greenshank but it wasn't, a chap tried to make another a Wood Sandpiper (it was a juvenile Green Sandpiper).
Good news is that a pair of Kingfishers were seen breeding yesterday and are said to be showing well, not to me they weren't.
Some pics
and for Turquis this is a "McIntyre"
Monday, June 22, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
I'm sorry I haven't a Clue!
There are a few shows on BBC Radio 4 that seem to have on forever.
Famously these include The Archers, Desert Island Discs and Down Your Way (ok this finished in 1992 after 45 years!!)
The comedy shows include the News Quiz (first broadcast 1977), Just a Minute (first broadcast 1967) and I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue (first broadcast in 1972).
The latter was put into some doubt when regular chariman Humphrey Lyttleton died in April 2008. However the good news is that this is BACK, tonight at 6:30.
Humph is not being replaced instead three guest chairman(Stephen Fry (natch), Jack Dee and Rob Brydon) will take it in turns.
The programme is described as the "antidote to panel games" and is a mickey take of the types of programmes appearing in the 60's and early 70's.
It sticks to a fairly strict formula introduction, a series of rounds (featuring obscure games like Mornington Cresture, Uxbridge England, One Song sung to the Tune of Another, and then the chairman signs off.
The lovely Samantha keeps the scores (Samantha doesn't exist) but a winner is never announced.
The regular panelists are Graeme Garden, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Barry Cryer who are joined by guest panelists.
Terribly British and very funny. Oh and full of in jokes.
Famously these include The Archers, Desert Island Discs and Down Your Way (ok this finished in 1992 after 45 years!!)
The comedy shows include the News Quiz (first broadcast 1977), Just a Minute (first broadcast 1967) and I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue (first broadcast in 1972).
The latter was put into some doubt when regular chariman Humphrey Lyttleton died in April 2008. However the good news is that this is BACK, tonight at 6:30.
Humph is not being replaced instead three guest chairman(Stephen Fry (natch), Jack Dee and Rob Brydon) will take it in turns.
The programme is described as the "antidote to panel games" and is a mickey take of the types of programmes appearing in the 60's and early 70's.
It sticks to a fairly strict formula introduction, a series of rounds (featuring obscure games like Mornington Cresture, Uxbridge England, One Song sung to the Tune of Another, and then the chairman signs off.
The lovely Samantha keeps the scores (Samantha doesn't exist) but a winner is never announced.
The regular panelists are Graeme Garden, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Barry Cryer who are joined by guest panelists.
Terribly British and very funny. Oh and full of in jokes.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Beware the Stupid are amongst us!
Here’s 19 of the most ridiculous complaints made by holidaymakers to their travel agent, taken from research by Thomas Cook and ABTA.
A tadge frightening don't you think.
enjoy......
A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel “inadequate”.
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
“The beach was too sandy.”
A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
“Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.”
“We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.”
“No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”
“It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.”
“My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
“I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”
“The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?”
“There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.”
“We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.”
“We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”
“I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite.”
“I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
“It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ’siesta’ time - this should be banned.”
“On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.”
“We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”
A tadge frightening don't you think.
enjoy......
A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel “inadequate”.
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
“The beach was too sandy.”
A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
“Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.”
“We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.”
“No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”
“It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.”
“My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
“I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”
“The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?”
“There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.”
“We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.”
“We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”
“I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite.”
“I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
“It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ’siesta’ time - this should be banned.”
“On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.”
“We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Bring Me Sunshine
We live in a world of hyperbole. Any halfway decent Sportsman is great and the term genius is an oft overused word.
I thought this whilst watching telly this Christmas. Every year without fail the BBC will show the repeat of a Morecambe & Wise christmas special. When I was a lad the Morecambe & Wise Christmas special was THE TV programme. This was the days before satellite TV and videos when new Hollywood blockbuster debuts were big TV hightlights but they all gave way to Eric & Ernie.
Whereas some acts have aged and are stale and dated Morecambe & Wise are fresh. The writing of Eddie Braben teamed with the timing and comic talent of Eric & Ernie is as fresh today as it always was. Alas the duo left the BBC in 1978 but Braben remained later episodes were good just not as good.
Eric Morecambe died in 1984 aged 58. Ernie Wise carried on but never scaled the same heights.
Apparently they didn't want to do the sketches of the two of them in bed together until Braben said "it was good enough for Laurel & Hardy....."
pure class!
I thought this whilst watching telly this Christmas. Every year without fail the BBC will show the repeat of a Morecambe & Wise christmas special. When I was a lad the Morecambe & Wise Christmas special was THE TV programme. This was the days before satellite TV and videos when new Hollywood blockbuster debuts were big TV hightlights but they all gave way to Eric & Ernie.
Whereas some acts have aged and are stale and dated Morecambe & Wise are fresh. The writing of Eddie Braben teamed with the timing and comic talent of Eric & Ernie is as fresh today as it always was. Alas the duo left the BBC in 1978 but Braben remained later episodes were good just not as good.
Eric Morecambe died in 1984 aged 58. Ernie Wise carried on but never scaled the same heights.
Apparently they didn't want to do the sketches of the two of them in bed together until Braben said "it was good enough for Laurel & Hardy....."
pure class!
Thursday, August 07, 2008
We are in need of some levity
The week reaches Thursday we are now into August and your blogger realizes that yet again another year is passing along and your blogger is feeling a bit stale. I think we are in need of some humour.
I will apoligise to those of you who had these emailed to you.
I will apoligise to those of you who had these emailed to you.
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
'So, how is everything going?' enquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are
breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.
'That is a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You
see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.
Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?
Now doesn't T H A T make more sense than that crap about the rib?
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed,
good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else,' said the madam..
'No. I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand
dollars and
gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly
left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row--too
expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and
they
went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. 'No one has ever been with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.
The man replied, ' Houston, Texas .'
'Really' she said. 'I have family in Houston ..'
'I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
April Fools
It's April Fools' Day. As ever our TV and printed media have a list of hoax news stories.
One of which was that Gordon Ramsey was going to fine each customer who swore in one of his restaurants £5.
The National Trust announced that with climate change now underway, it was time for them change the oak leaf logo. It went on to say
One of which was that Gordon Ramsey was going to fine each customer who swore in one of his restaurants £5.
The National Trust announced that with climate change now underway, it was time for them change the oak leaf logo. It went on to say
A stranger as little as ten years ago, the Gascony fern (hilaria avrilensis), until recently most common around the region of Carcassonne, is now the fastest seeding plant in the whole of southern England and is set to cover the whole of the UK within the next decade.
To draw attention to the challenges of climate change, the Trust is to adopt the fern as its new logo – a vivid reminder that we live in a rapidly changing world.
When better to announce the change than at the beginning of a spring month, famous for its ability to innovate and pull surprises?
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Can your dog do this?
Cindy, a pedigree 8 year old cavalier King Charles spaniel, is amazing her owners and neighbours with the tricks she can perform.
She can balance objects on all four paws whilst laying down and also keep a golf ball in a spoon held in her mouth whilst balancing an object on her head.
There's pictures and a video at the link
She can balance objects on all four paws whilst laying down and also keep a golf ball in a spoon held in her mouth whilst balancing an object on her head.
There's pictures and a video at the link
Monday, February 18, 2008
Dog Music!
Last year the New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals released a CD single called A Very Silent Night that only dogs can here!
According to a Spokesman they have no idea how it sounds to dog.
"The most violent one was a dog that physically attacked the radio when it was played and went quite berserk and totally destroyed it.
"On the other side of the scale, they just lay down and did nothing,"
You can "listen" to the song with your dog here. Some cute pictures as well.
I want to know from Jan, Mary, Mary and Andi how their dogs find it.
According to a Spokesman they have no idea how it sounds to dog.
"The most violent one was a dog that physically attacked the radio when it was played and went quite berserk and totally destroyed it.
"On the other side of the scale, they just lay down and did nothing,"
You can "listen" to the song with your dog here. Some cute pictures as well.
I want to know from Jan, Mary, Mary and Andi how their dogs find it.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Which do you prefer........
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home
from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did
something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose! ! Jack sits up and sees
his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around
the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is
the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
ba ck at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on
the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a
kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at
the table, eating.
Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind. You
fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed
'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table £239.99
Hot Breakfast £4.20
Two Aspirins £0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . .. PRICELESS
or do you prefer....
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home
from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did
something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose! ! Jack sits up and sees
his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around
the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is
the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
ba ck at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on
the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a
kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at
the table, eating.
Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind. You
fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed
'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table £239.99
Hot Breakfast £4.20
Two Aspirins £0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . .. PRICELESS
or do you prefer....
Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Monday, December 17, 2007
Friday, December 07, 2007
For those looking for a bloke.
A few bloggers I read seem to be searching for a single, good looking, straight emotionally stable, financially secure, intelligent men looking for a long term relationship. Here is the annual meeting.....
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Friday, November 30, 2007
Religious Kitsch
Each year the satirical Christian website Ship of Fools publishes a selection of religious themed goods it has seen for sale. The BBC has a set of photos up.
I don't know about you but number 9 one is just a little bit odd.
I don't know about you but number 9 one is just a little bit odd.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
A Fairy Story
As Christmas is approaching, a little something to get us in the
spirit....
For all you lovers of Cinders out there.
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now
dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world
go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all
these years?"
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary
life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still
yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand
to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond
comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother."
The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do
you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said, "I wish I were young
and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage
returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant
for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more, "You have one more wish;
what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I
wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome
young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so
beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new
life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother
was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's
eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly
perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking
chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in
close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off."
spirit....
For all you lovers of Cinders out there.
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now
dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world
go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all
these years?"
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary
life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still
yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand
to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond
comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother."
The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do
you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said, "I wish I were young
and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage
returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant
for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more, "You have one more wish;
what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I
wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome
young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so
beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new
life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother
was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's
eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly
perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking
chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in
close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off."
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
It's the law!
So what to talk about today. I know how about odd laws.....
here are 10 British ones
1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.
2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down.
3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store
4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned
5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter
6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet
7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen )
8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing
9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour
10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow
Our overseas cousins are no better...
In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk
In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation
A male doctor in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror
In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm
It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama
In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed
Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth
In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits
In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon
here are 10 British ones
1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.
2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down.
3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store
4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned
5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter
6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet
7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen )
8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing
9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour
10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow
Our overseas cousins are no better...
In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk
In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation
A male doctor in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror
In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm
It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama
In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed
Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth
In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits
In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Some Humour
A Polish man moved to the UK and married an English girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
-Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
- It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
- No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
- All my relations still in Poland
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
- We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
- No, I am always up before her.
Why do you want this divorce?
-She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
-I got proof.
What kind of proof?
- She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
'Polish Remover'.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
-Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
- It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
- No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
- All my relations still in Poland
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
- We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
- No, I am always up before her.
Why do you want this divorce?
-She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
-I got proof.
What kind of proof?
- She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
'Polish Remover'.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I bet he drinks.....
I am a bit out of inspiration at the mo! So I thought I'd share this You Tube pointed out to me by Tricia. Comes from an old TV advert. Grey Squirrels are getting a hard time from the Telegraph and various wildlife bodies. Goes to show they are smart critters whatever else they are.
this poor chap had obviously been at the beers
this poor chap had obviously been at the beers
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
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