Horribly Entertaining

I was vaguely aware of a series of series of books aimed at children called the Horrible Histories. I knew nothing about them accept they look good fun.

Anyway the Telegraph on 12th May had an audio book called Horribly Famous: Henry VIII and his Chopping Block in it. I slipped it into the CD player and wow, what good entertainment. Lots of facts presented in a light hearted manner not some stuffy here is a list of dates. Sunday's Telegraph also had one on Queen Victoria. There was a free one every day during the week but only from WH Smiths so I unfortunately missed Monday - Wednesday but managed to pick them up on Thursday (Newton) Friday (Cromwell) and got Saturdays with Mary Queen of Scots.

As one reviewer wrote. Why weren’t history books like this when I was a child?

It's not hard to see why schoolchildren prefer Horrible Histories to the National Curriculum. Terry Deary's mischievous mix of humour, sadistic statistics and corny jokes, padded out by Martin Brown's wry comic cartoons, has proved irresistible bedtime reading for millions since the first, Terrible Tudors, was published 12 years ago.

Katie Law, The Evening Standard

Seriously if the books are as good as these CDs then kids are being Horribly Spoilt!

and some humour

I think we are in need of some humour so thanks to Diane for this. Some of you will have seen it via the "Pete's jokes email" but....

Story by a Man standing in a queue in Tesco's Mather Avenue store .........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

All you need is a duck girls

Google mail's targeted advertising is always interesting. Recently I've had adverts for the Nikon D40 dSLR, Nic & Di BEHAVE!!

But today I got an advert for a duck website. Now I always maintain that ducks make you smile but this is going a bit far don't you think? :D

Oh and another for all your duck needs

Watch the birdie

Watch the birdie

Monday Monday

The car goes in to have the sensor thingy done tomorrow and guess what. Yes the flipping light has JUST gone out. Growl!! I'm still taking it in and if they won't do it I'll tell them I expect them to do it under guarantee if the fault reoccurs. I suspect, since I'm paying and reclaiming from Tesco, it'll be done.

Anyway thanks for all your nice comments on the photos. When I was reviewing Sunday morning in the field I thought they looked quite good.

As I get used to the camera I'm getting better results. I appreciate it is a compromise and I'd get better images from a dSLR, especially in low light. At the moment though that compromise is one I'm happy with. I may feel differently in a couple of years or when I retire and have the time on my hands.

Did anyone catch Blair on Comic Relief? I thought he was rather good. No doubt he'll be accused of dragging the office of Prime Minister or it being a publicity stunt but hey it proves he has a sense of humour.



Of course we need a little balance



oh ok you want a Lib Dem one.

Using the ATM

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

“Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

**********************************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to the machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

The Afterlife

After my wittering on about birds seen and historic buildings and whatever I thought you could all do with some light relief..................

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact,

"Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

True Wisdom

some funny you tubes

You are having a laugh!

I appreciate that Yorkshire folk aren't the brightest tools in the basket (and that should get a response!!) but this story left me in stitches!!

The Former Lord Mayor of York Jack Archer (age 87) was asked by staff at the Acomb branch of Morisson's if he was over 21.

From the BBC News Website

He said: "I don't look my age but I certainly don't look young enough to be in trouble for underage drinking."

Morrisons said staff had to ask anyone buying alcohol to confirm they were over 21, or provide proof of age.

Mr Archer said he often had a small glass of sherry at bedtime to help him sleep.

He said: "I was taken aback really. Afterwards I thought I should have showed them my bus pass and that would have proved how old I was.

"I must admit the lady wasn't too persistent and I realised she was only doing what she's been told to do."

A Morrisons spokesman said: "This is done with the best of intentions and we would hope it is taken in good humour by those obviously over the age of 21, as we do not wish to cause offence and no disrespect is intended.

"We take our responsibility with regard to selling alcohol very seriously and all our stores operate the Task 21 scheme, which addresses the difficulties staff face in being able to determine if a customer is legally old enough to buy alcohol.

"To further limit any element of doubt, staff at the Acomb store are required to ask anyone buying alcohol to confirm that they are over 21."

Anyone who appears to be under 21 has to provide proof they are old enough to buy alcohol.

Solicitors are kind people

One afternoon a Solictor (we'll call her Apple Pie) was riding in her limousine when she saw two men at the side of the road eating grass. Disturbed, she ordered her driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

She asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," Apple Pie said.

"But ma'am, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," Apple Pie replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come along with us too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But ma'am, I also have a
wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all along," Apple Pie answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows
turned to Apple Pie and said, "Ma'am, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you."

Apple Pie replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The
grass is almost a foot high."

Sunday 7th January 2007

For those of you in the know this is the day you want to know about!!

It started badly. Pants? Where the eff? Oh god NO I haven't packed pants!! BUGGER will have to get some.

Well off to Sheringham Park and no sign of the Waxwing so on to Felbrigg Hall. I fancy avoiding the hot spots. I walk off to the lake.




I spot the Mandarin Ducks but they are over the other side so off I trudge. Now at one point there are two ways I can go along the path of across this field. I take the field. its boggy and I start to think I ought to turn back and wwwahhh losing balance splash!! I am caked in Mud. No no one took a photo!! I got back camera ok bins ok trousers a mess. Luckily I have some waterproofs in the car (Yes CP it would have been luckier if I had been wearing them) and go to the hall loos to change.

I would like to thank various people for their total lack of sympathy (Min, Diane, CP, Boo the list goes on) - ok you gave as much as I would have done and laughed your arses off. Nic gets a hug for being sympathetic!!

And just to give a hint of the comicness of the situation.



Still I need some pants.... ok go Hunstanton. Buy pants..... play with the camera....

I've done virtually nothing to them. The light was awful.

Hunstanton in Winter.




The locals looking for people willing to throw chips (not me I hasten to add).






Hunstanton Cliffs, famous for Fulmar (tick!). Oh and a bunch of people making use of the copious wind.








So onto Thornham and look who showed up!! Way too dull but heh!



Its very atmospheric I think...







I popped into Titchwell to nab a Black Brant!

Cherry Pie's Marathon Training

If you read Cherry Pie's blog, and you really should, you'll know she is training for a Marathon. I thought you would like to see the diet of the long distance runner....





and she snaffled my Sausage bap. Such dedication.

And you know I like good photo's of the lovely Diane.




Thanks Corinna these were worth waiting for!!

Don't try this at work

Well this isn't the Post I was intending Corinna has let me down - typical!! Apparently my mail box is full. How flipping big is this photo eh? Since I have 999mb available.......

So here you go some highlights of a G8 meeting George Bush says "hello" to Angela Merkel!!

Putting up the decorations

Well I have decided that I ought to really get a move on and get the decorations up.

I've taken a photo to show you the job I've made of the tree.

Holiday Greetings to Everyone

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is
So difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without
Offending someone. So I met with my lawyer (Ms C Pie) yesterday, and on her
Advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes
For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
Nonaddictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter/summer solstice
Holiday, practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious
Persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the
Religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their
Choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and
Medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
Accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the
Calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society
Have helped make our country great (not to imply that it is necessarily
Greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed,
Colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of
The wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
Transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no
Promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
Her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is
Revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted
To perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for
A period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday
Greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement
Of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the
Wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message;
However, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

Your Own Christmas Concert

Type in a Christmas song or hymn and they will sing it for you - they know just about any one you can name. Then, just for fun, type in something that isn't Christmas-related and see what they say....

How it Happens

In the beginning there was The Plan.

And then came The Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of The Workers.

And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying, "This is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live
with the stench".

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it".

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength".

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong".

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful".

And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects".

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy. And that my friends, is how Shit happens.

Bringing some culture into your lives

The Quacks of Life likes to bring you the latest in culture. Whereas some blogs play you dirges by some Scots bloke called Paolo we here give you the release of Jingle Bells by the Baarmy Sheep. The Baarmy Sheep are a flock of sheep from the Lake District.

The single was initially released last year was featured on the Cumbria Tourism website and received thousands of downloads.

The tourist board have received lots requests for the tune so it is now on the website.

You can download it as a ringtone or MP3. Press here to go the page where you can watch the movie and listen to this piece of classic pop at the same time. Oh they are better looking than Paolo as well.

Christmas Cake Recipe

As we've reached December I thought you might appreciate a recipe for a Christmas Cake.

Vodka and Red Bull Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup water
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
Lemon Juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of Vodka
1 can of Red Bull
2 cups dried fruit

Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink
4. Repeat
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again
7. At this point it is best to make sure the vodka is still ok
8. Flavour with red bull to taste
9. Try another cup – just in case turn off the mixerer
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something – Who giveshz a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts
20. Add one table
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over…
23. Don’t forget to beat off the turner
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog
25. Fall into bed